Search found 543 matches

by Richard
Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 22/11/63
Replies: 15
Views: 989

Re: 22/11/63

David,

I like the end. It’s a nice idea/memory for a poem.

I’d like to see you abandon the tentativeness of the first stanza. And the neat form carries forced line breaks. Try more natural line breaks, and less structure? Trim just a word or two, I think.

Nee bugger can really skate on a pond!

R
by Richard
Sat Dec 29, 2018 10:40 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Coevals
Replies: 13
Views: 768

Re: Coevals

David,

I’m not getting the title. Given that they are not Coevals. Nor is N. Am I missing something?

The last stanza is delish. Very gently melancholic.

R
by Richard
Thu Dec 20, 2018 4:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Homecoming
Replies: 4
Views: 667

Re: Homecoming

I'm with James, I think. Evocative as far as it goes but a bit too fragmentary to be more satisfying.

R
by Richard
Thu Dec 20, 2018 4:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Taking flight
Replies: 9
Views: 967

Re: Taking flight

Thanks Luke. I'm not sure there is a great deal to say about the hat: it's something N has left behind for his child, something that echoes (not the right word but you get the idea I hope) his presence; it's empty; its turned over in the manner of someone asking for something but not receiving. JJ -...
by Richard
Wed Dec 19, 2018 12:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Taking flight
Replies: 9
Views: 967

Re: Taking flight

Oh, thank you very much!

I wonder if this deals with the problem....?

English, in the half words, that you
um um um, an upturned song, a broken one.

Best

R
by Richard
Wed Dec 19, 2018 12:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Taking flight
Replies: 9
Views: 967

Taking flight

Your mother told me you were asking after Dadda in your weh weh English, in the half words, that you um um um, an upturned song, a broken one. You are your own, an empty sense but full of music and there will be words eventually. For if I leave without a splash in the papers or the Ocean, know I wil...
by Richard
Wed Dec 19, 2018 12:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On Edge Top
Replies: 30
Views: 2768

Re: On Edge Top

I love the economy and the rhythm of this. I went away and looked up the story and re-read it. It worked even better. I know tastes differ on this, but I think you might want to explain at the outset: Alice Glass and was the youngest child hanged in England or something like that. It's cold, that's ...
by Richard
Wed Dec 19, 2018 11:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Freya (revised)
Replies: 10
Views: 1023

Re: Freya (revised)

There are lots of evocative, nicely drawn phrases here. I'm struggling a bit to see the whole, to take away some kind of story or message. I wasn't sure that "you" in each of the verses was referring to the same person. The "you" seem to become quite specific later on. I'm generally a bit wary of ar...
by Richard
Wed May 24, 2017 6:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Immortal Earl Bostic
Replies: 8
Views: 628

Re: The Immortal Earl Bostic

Really good. Lovely idea and well executed.
by Richard
Wed May 24, 2017 6:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Weekend Gods
Replies: 9
Views: 684

Re: Four Weekend Gods

Yup, good. I like it. Not sure about possesses. Something less domineering about the presence on the sky might work better. Am mystified in a pleasant way by the champagne glass. Powerful ending. Nice work.
by Richard
Fri May 19, 2017 6:01 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Attic Salt
Replies: 1
Views: 307

Re: Attic Salt

If it helps, I'm more of a groaner than an offeror of insight.

Best

R
by Richard
Thu May 18, 2017 5:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Creatures of Bilateral Symmetry
Replies: 4
Views: 490

Re: Creatures of Bilateral Symmetry

Seth, I especially liked: Draw a line down the middle, top to bottom: sameness on each side. and the end... grow an extra ear, a foot, at least a tiny toe, or have the grace to stand sideways." I don't really understand what its about, but i didn't feel like it mattered, because I sensed I half unde...
by Richard
Wed May 17, 2017 5:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Shrunken
Replies: 4
Views: 516

Re: Shrunken

I'm struggling to comment on this because I can't see what you is
by Richard
Wed May 17, 2017 5:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: What Blake didn't say about Innocence (Was: 'Innocence')
Replies: 26
Views: 2145

Re: What Blake didn't say (Was: 'Innocence')

It's nicely executed. I don't much like the new title. I'm not sure it carries me into the poem, as I am now looking for an insight on Blake or innocence I can't see.


Best

R
by Richard
Sun May 14, 2017 3:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Photobomb
Replies: 3
Views: 437

Re: Photobomb

Ray/not,

Thank you both. It's a poem that's been rewritten quite a few times over a week or two. Needs more work, I know.

Best

Richard
by Richard
Fri May 12, 2017 3:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: You are the Rain
Replies: 35
Views: 3744

Re: You are the Rain

Not, One virgin to another, I think the flow makes enough of a difference to make it worth working on it if you want to send this on anywhere.

Best

R
by Richard
Fri May 12, 2017 8:45 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Photobomb
Replies: 3
Views: 437

Photobomb

V2 Photobomb Hilda Clayton captured the moment of her death from mortar fire on camera. Four Afghan soldiers and a trainee photographer also died. Hilda’s cloud of light is fire the shape of Asia, lemonade yellow. That light is faster than heat. Taste lingers, synched to your soon scorched fingertip...
by Richard
Fri May 12, 2017 8:40 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: You are the Rain
Replies: 35
Views: 3744

Re: You are the Rain

Is it really about amphetamine. I am a virgin where that is concerned :shock: Isn't it about, ahem, rain? :oops: I liked the simplicity of the language. S1 had a really nice flow to it, which I'd like to see carried through the piece... As subtle music <---subtle? You might come up with something wi...
by Richard
Thu May 11, 2017 7:45 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Not Grateful For....V3
Replies: 9
Views: 838

Re: Not Grateful For V2

I liked this. As Ros says, it captures a sense of love in a longstanding relationship. The ending didn't quite work for me. It didn't feel like a good place to end, it wasn't much of a turn and "I win. No, you win, you say," suggests that the narrator and the companion both think the Narrator win. T...
by Richard
Tue May 09, 2017 10:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Woman with raven
Replies: 5
Views: 626

Re: Woman with raven

Thanks Ray.

Fake's are often bold aren't they? Fake news. King's new clothes. Is the raven picture a fake? Is the raven a fake? Etc etc.

Best

R
by Richard
Mon May 08, 2017 7:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Woman with raven
Replies: 5
Views: 626

Re: Woman with raven

Ray - I think I might have to concede that's fair comment. So here's a link to make it clear(er)... http://metro.co.uk/2017/05/02/top-tip-to-get-space-on-the-tube-take-your-pet-raven-6610150/ The last three poems have been responses to internet memes. I;ve got another one coming, but I will spare yo...
by Richard
Mon May 08, 2017 4:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Vertigo - version 2
Replies: 7
Views: 800

Re: Vertigo - version 2

Reverse the last two lines with the two before them? Liking the new draft.
by Richard
Mon May 08, 2017 1:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Vertigo - version 2
Replies: 7
Views: 800

Re: Vertigo

Ray - firstly, Malvern! Anyway, onto the poem. I was a bit puzzled by the title and the first few lines which did not seem to bear much relation to what follows. Do you need them, and is the title getting across what you want? After the six lines it gets going nicely and has a VG end. Best R One day...
by Richard
Fri May 05, 2017 7:23 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Woman with raven
Replies: 5
Views: 626

Woman with raven

Woman with raven My man’s boot hides a rabbit foot, my clothes a tucked up lapwing with irregular heartbeats. Wait and I can marshall the ticking clock. Stop stop stop allow stop. No loam, no hoar frost, no bramble but there is discarded news, some subway dirt on brushed steel, a raven roosting wel...
by Richard
Thu May 04, 2017 6:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Exhibition
Replies: 7
Views: 876

Re: Exhibition

Thank you all. Blow! OH dear. I'll have a think about these comments, it don't want to drop blow, even because of,fellatio...!