Search found 560 matches

by Richard
Thu Apr 16, 2020 5:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Five hundred yards from home
Replies: 6
Views: 389

Re: Five hundred yards from home

Thanks Ray. I flip flop on the repetition thing. I think you might be right.

R
by Richard
Tue Apr 14, 2020 10:55 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Five hundred yards from home
Replies: 6
Views: 389

Re: Five hundred yards from home

Thank you both. A rewrite, pinching some of the ideas! R
by Richard
Mon Apr 13, 2020 10:48 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: An exchange
Replies: 9
Views: 537

Re: Feeding the Crows

I see what you say about s1 Tony, but it doesn’t work for me I am afraid. Liked the end a lot. R
by Richard
Mon Apr 13, 2020 10:32 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Five hundred yards from home
Replies: 6
Views: 389

Five hundred yards from home

Five hundred yards from home V3 Metaphors of war do not have empty villages marked by closing notices pinned to shop doors, sun-dried paper, rustling thanks and safeness. Metaphors of war do not have old folk first in line for silence on their usual walks, smiling with a fretful friendliness shy of ...
by Richard
Mon Apr 13, 2020 10:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Reputation
Replies: 10
Views: 586

Re: Reputation

I might think about excising the bits in bold...? It was never going to be enough to merit a round of applause of a Thursday evening . But as a means [way?] to get involved in the resistance , to meet other people and be observed to assist while keeping [and keep?] my distance, then fetching Mrs She...
by Richard
Mon Apr 13, 2020 10:25 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Reputation
Replies: 10
Views: 586

Re: Reputation

Ha, nice punch line!
by Richard
Mon Apr 13, 2020 10:24 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 5am & Philosophical
Replies: 17
Views: 708

Re: 5am & Philosophical

Nice!i had a quick play to snip out bits I didn’t think you needed or deal with line breaks that jarred (with me). Hope you find it useful, if not, apologies! Emulating the sea, as if all babies are mariners, yearning for a life once lived on blue terrain. Sleep is a currency; we’re adrift of its wa...
by Richard
Mon Jan 06, 2020 9:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysanthemum
Replies: 5
Views: 460

Re: Chrysanthemum

Agree with Ray. Intriguing though
by Richard
Mon Jan 06, 2020 9:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flood
Replies: 12
Views: 866

Re: Flood

Thank you all! May have to kill that owl!
by Richard
Mon Jan 06, 2020 8:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I don't believe in poets (Revised v2)
Replies: 18
Views: 1004

Re: I don't believe in poets

I quite liked this. Maybe it does sag a little in the middle. I enjoyed the end.

R
by Richard
Fri Jan 03, 2020 6:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flood
Replies: 12
Views: 866

Re: Flood

Eira, thank you!
by Richard
Fri Jan 03, 2020 5:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Trappings (v10)
Replies: 25
Views: 1619

Re: Trappings (v10)

Nice! I feel like I should not like simulate but do.

Only one the in s1 would be better?

I’d definitely jettison hanged. I wouldn’t care that it was ‘correct’.

Best

R
by Richard
Thu Jan 02, 2020 7:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flood
Replies: 12
Views: 866

Re: Flood

Redraft - thanks all!
by Richard
Mon Dec 30, 2019 9:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flood
Replies: 12
Views: 866

Re: Flood

Hmm, yes. I see what you mean. Thanks Ray!
by Richard
Mon Dec 30, 2019 12:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flood
Replies: 12
Views: 866

Re: Flood

Thank you both. The detailed crits are really useful. I’ll have a think.

R
by Richard
Tue Dec 24, 2019 5:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flamboyant
Replies: 14
Views: 1830

Re: Flamboyant

I like this, it’s playful and mysterious. Could you get rid of the gerunds? Just a thought, but not sure it matters.
by Richard
Tue Dec 24, 2019 5:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flood
Replies: 12
Views: 866

Flood

V2 My heart fills up, a flooded room of you. Its silence is the Chapel where I saw you last. A shroud of heavy blankets turned down reveals your face; a floating photograph, the background fading first. A chance to kiss your hair the nurse had brushed, and stare at your nose pulled to an owl-like ho...
by Richard
Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 22/11/63
Replies: 15
Views: 1610

Re: 22/11/63

David,

I like the end. It’s a nice idea/memory for a poem.

I’d like to see you abandon the tentativeness of the first stanza. And the neat form carries forced line breaks. Try more natural line breaks, and less structure? Trim just a word or two, I think.

Nee bugger can really skate on a pond!

R
by Richard
Sat Dec 29, 2018 10:40 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Coevals
Replies: 13
Views: 1339

Re: Coevals

David,

I’m not getting the title. Given that they are not Coevals. Nor is N. Am I missing something?

The last stanza is delish. Very gently melancholic.

R
by Richard
Thu Dec 20, 2018 4:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Homecoming
Replies: 4
Views: 925

Re: Homecoming

I'm with James, I think. Evocative as far as it goes but a bit too fragmentary to be more satisfying.

R
by Richard
Thu Dec 20, 2018 4:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Taking flight
Replies: 9
Views: 1441

Re: Taking flight

Thanks Luke. I'm not sure there is a great deal to say about the hat: it's something N has left behind for his child, something that echoes (not the right word but you get the idea I hope) his presence; it's empty; its turned over in the manner of someone asking for something but not receiving. JJ -...
by Richard
Wed Dec 19, 2018 12:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Taking flight
Replies: 9
Views: 1441

Re: Taking flight

Oh, thank you very much!

I wonder if this deals with the problem....?

English, in the half words, that you
um um um, an upturned song, a broken one.

Best

R
by Richard
Wed Dec 19, 2018 12:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Taking flight
Replies: 9
Views: 1441

Taking flight

Your mother told me you were asking after Dadda in your weh weh English, in the half words, that you um um um, an upturned song, a broken one. You are your own, an empty sense but full of music and there will be words eventually. For if I leave without a splash in the papers or the Ocean, know I wil...
by Richard
Wed Dec 19, 2018 12:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On Edge Top
Replies: 30
Views: 3992

Re: On Edge Top

I love the economy and the rhythm of this. I went away and looked up the story and re-read it. It worked even better. I know tastes differ on this, but I think you might want to explain at the outset: Alice Glass and was the youngest child hanged in England or something like that. It's cold, that's ...
by Richard
Wed Dec 19, 2018 11:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Freya (revised)
Replies: 10
Views: 1546

Re: Freya (revised)

There are lots of evocative, nicely drawn phrases here. I'm struggling a bit to see the whole, to take away some kind of story or message. I wasn't sure that "you" in each of the verses was referring to the same person. The "you" seem to become quite specific later on. I'm generally a bit wary of ar...