The Poets' Graves Workshop

David,

I like the end. It’s a nice idea/memory for a poem.

I’d like to see you abandon the tentativeness of the first stanza. And the neat form carries forced line breaks. Try more natural line breaks, and less structure? Trim just a word or two, I think.

Nee bugger can really skate on a pond!

R

David,

I’m not getting the title. Given that they are not Coevals. Nor is N. Am I missing something?

The last stanza is delish. Very gently melancholic.

R

I'm with James, I think. Evocative as far as it goes but a bit too fragmentary to be more satisfying.

R

Thanks Luke. I'm not sure there is a great deal to say about the hat: it's something N has left behind for his child, something that echoes (not the right word but you get the idea I hope) his presence; it's empty; its turned over in the manner of someone asking for something but not receiving. JJ -...

Oh, thank you very much!

I wonder if this deals with the problem....?

English, in the half words, that you
um um um, an upturned song, a broken one.

Best

R

Your mother told me you were asking after Dadda in your weh weh English, in the half words, that you um um um, an upturned song, a broken one. You are your own, an empty sense but full of music and there will be words eventually. For if I leave without a splash in the papers or the Ocean, know I wil...

I love the economy and the rhythm of this. I went away and looked up the story and re-read it. It worked even better. I know tastes differ on this, but I think you might want to explain at the outset: Alice Glass and was the youngest child hanged in England or something like that. It's cold, that's ...

There are lots of evocative, nicely drawn phrases here. I'm struggling a bit to see the whole, to take away some kind of story or message. I wasn't sure that "you" in each of the verses was referring to the same person. The "you" seem to become quite specific later on. I'm generally a bit wary of ar...

Really good. Lovely idea and well executed.

Yup, good. I like it. Not sure about possesses. Something less domineering about the presence on the sky might work better. Am mystified in a pleasant way by the champagne glass. Powerful ending. Nice work.

If it helps, I'm more of a groaner than an offeror of insight.

Best

R

Seth, I especially liked: Draw a line down the middle, top to bottom: sameness on each side. and the end... grow an extra ear, a foot, at least a tiny toe, or have the grace to stand sideways." I don't really understand what its about, but i didn't feel like it mattered, because I sensed I half unde...

I'm struggling to comment on this because I can't see what you is

It's nicely executed. I don't much like the new title. I'm not sure it carries me into the poem, as I am now looking for an insight on Blake or innocence I can't see.


Best

R

Ray/not,

Thank you both. It's a poem that's been rewritten quite a few times over a week or two. Needs more work, I know.

Best

Richard

Not, One virgin to another, I think the flow makes enough of a difference to make it worth working on it if you want to send this on anywhere.

Best

R

V2 Photobomb Hilda Clayton captured the moment of her death from mortar fire on camera. Four Afghan soldiers and a trainee photographer also died. Hilda’s cloud of light is fire the shape of Asia, lemonade yellow. That light is faster than heat. Taste lingers, synched to your soon scorched fingertip...

Is it really about amphetamine. I am a virgin where that is concerned :shock: Isn't it about, ahem, rain? :oops: I liked the simplicity of the language. S1 had a really nice flow to it, which I'd like to see carried through the piece... As subtle music <---subtle? You might come up with something wi...

I liked this. As Ros says, it captures a sense of love in a longstanding relationship. The ending didn't quite work for me. It didn't feel like a good place to end, it wasn't much of a turn and "I win. No, you win, you say," suggests that the narrator and the companion both think the Narrator win. T...

Thanks Ray.

Fake's are often bold aren't they? Fake news. King's new clothes. Is the raven picture a fake? Is the raven a fake? Etc etc.

Best

R

Ray - I think I might have to concede that's fair comment. So here's a link to make it clear(er)... http://metro.co.uk/2017/05/02/top-tip-to-get-space-on-the-tube-take-your-pet-raven-6610150/ The last three poems have been responses to internet memes. I;ve got another one coming, but I will spare yo...

Reverse the last two lines with the two before them? Liking the new draft.

Ray - firstly, Malvern! Anyway, onto the poem. I was a bit puzzled by the title and the first few lines which did not seem to bear much relation to what follows. Do you need them, and is the title getting across what you want? After the six lines it gets going nicely and has a VG end. Best R One day...

Woman with raven My man’s boot hides a rabbit foot, my clothes a tucked up lapwing with irregular heartbeats. Wait and I can marshall the ticking clock. Stop stop stop allow stop. No loam, no hoar frost, no bramble but there is discarded news, some subway dirt on brushed steel, a raven roosting wel...

Thank you all. Blow! OH dear. I'll have a think about these comments, it don't want to drop blow, even because of,fellatio...!