Search found 219 matches

by penguin
Fri Apr 24, 2020 9:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Grate Communicator (was The Art of ...)
Replies: 8
Views: 510

Re: The Art of the Deal

Well done. Wasn't it covefe? I only wonder that it's so short. You must have a fine editor.
by penguin
Fri Apr 24, 2020 9:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Checkout
Replies: 8
Views: 455

Re: Checkout

The problem, I think, is that the opening lines promise what's not delivered - vivid, pageant, fascinated. Unless you're just intending to be ironic. But then, I'd say the characters are neither interesting or mundane enough to make much of an impression.
by penguin
Fri Apr 24, 2020 9:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Encounter.
Replies: 9
Views: 733

Re: Pink-Moon

Lines 2-6 are fine, the rest doesn't move me much. Calling the poem pink-moon and then referring only to its silveriness seems rather perverse.
Tiptoes - one word, I think.
by penguin
Fri Apr 24, 2020 9:22 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Anything Goes
Replies: 2
Views: 278

Anything Goes

She was a seasonal beast who slept through the summer; I checked pockets and sleeves to flesh out a drama and discovered that she hadn’t any clothes apart from the bruises on leaves and on clouds, the subtle contusions and those screaming loud when the hammer is brought down upon the toes. As each w...
by penguin
Mon Jan 29, 2018 12:59 pm
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: Avant garde Poetry
Replies: 3
Views: 1557

Re: Avant garde Poetry

Hello. Ray has asked me to reply on his behalf. He says to tell you he's busy burying a dead dog at present. I enquired if it was really necessary to mention that the dog was dead, would that not speak for itself? Ray shouted and threw something at me. It wasn't a fish. He feels, and I am summarisin...
by penguin
Fri Nov 25, 2016 8:23 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hands Down - no. 2
Replies: 17
Views: 1761

Re: Hands Down - no. 2

David wrote:Can I just say IPTO? I know I do that, to the point of self-parody (hi Mac!), but there are usually sound reasons for it.

I think you've lost something in your revision.

Cheers

David
Thanks, David. Where do you think the revision is worse?
by penguin
Wed Nov 23, 2016 10:37 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hands Down - no. 2
Replies: 17
Views: 1761

Re: Hands Down - no. 2

Thanks, Seth. The stuff about the hearts breaking is just to show that empathy was attained. I'd already removed Once wrought, in my head at least, and there's a few other minor adjustments.
by penguin
Sun Nov 20, 2016 1:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Insomnia: a sovereign remedy
Replies: 26
Views: 2715

Re: Insomnia: a sovereign remedy

I don't see what cottages have to do with it - but that may be my ignorance. I think the penultimate line is slightly better.
by penguin
Sun Nov 20, 2016 1:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hands Down - no. 2
Replies: 17
Views: 1761

Re: Hands Down - no. 2

Thanks, David. It's a good film, worth watching, even if the ending can be seen coming before the adverts have finished. God, I'm sick of this world, though, every day a defeat, it feels like life has somehow become Villa's final Premiership season.
by penguin
Thu Nov 17, 2016 5:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Handkerchief Tree (revision)
Replies: 10
Views: 3168

Re: Handkerchief Tree (revision)

Nice ending, suspended tears before the drop. Personally, I prefer the original, but without these inversions like
They kneel, the latest mourners,

The latest mourners kneel is fine. And

If only the mourners glanced up...
by penguin
Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:34 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Insomnia: a sovereign remedy
Replies: 26
Views: 2715

Re: Insomnia: a sovereign remedy

Great title and I like the ambition. L like lines 5-8 best, I think you could stick an a before panoply, its absence is more noticeable than its presence would be. What don't I like - quotidianly welcome, especially in brackets. Some of the rhymes don't work too well, though Georges/hearses shouldn'...
by penguin
Wed Nov 16, 2016 5:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Nom de Plume
Replies: 8
Views: 1224

Re: Nom de Plume

Parthenogenetic

progeny, prodded
into the world

to take blame and abuse
for a coy creator.

That's the best passage, I think. I don't think the final couplet makes a great ending.
by penguin
Wed Nov 16, 2016 5:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hands Down - no. 2
Replies: 17
Views: 1761

Re: Hands Down

Thanks, k-j. Corrections made.
by penguin
Wed Nov 16, 2016 5:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hands Down - no. 2
Replies: 17
Views: 1761

Hands Down - no. 2

Revision I heard the sniffles start before halfway, I thought. We broke with one heart then rose to applaud. Sure, I’d like to swing a right at this tightfisted state after watching the demise of I, Daniel Blake . Just like ten years before and Fahrenheit 9/11 . We stood for Michael Moore and haven’...
by penguin
Thu Oct 27, 2016 3:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Teeth
Replies: 5
Views: 758

Re: Teeth

Thanks, Cynwulf.
by penguin
Thu Oct 27, 2016 3:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Scene through the kitchen window
Replies: 11
Views: 1556

Re: Scene through the kitchen window

Another Donald Trump poem?
by penguin
Thu Oct 27, 2016 10:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Teeth
Replies: 5
Views: 758

Re: Teeth

Moth wrote:Excellent thinking there, Pen, and what a thought! Will remember this for sure. Who've would read better as who imo.
Thanks, Moth. Perhaps you're right, but I'll probably change more than that.
by penguin
Thu Oct 27, 2016 7:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Extracts from an Unwritten Journal
Replies: 6
Views: 908

Re: Extracts from an Unwritten Journal

Very moving. The opening couple of lines are unnecessary, I think. I'd go for Peppa Pig, though.I feel very stupid saying this, but I don't get this plump up your duvet stuff.
by penguin
Thu Oct 27, 2016 7:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Inheritance (formerly entitled Legacy) - Rev. IV
Replies: 23
Views: 2310

Re: Legacy

Legacy I have my mother’s hands, thick and coarse, fit for pulling yams from the field. I have her broad shoulders, used to carry wash and babies - washing, maybe. I was expecting carry wash and dry! to and from the creek. My legs are short like hers but strong as Ash created - why capitalise ash? ...
by penguin
Wed Oct 26, 2016 3:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Teeth
Replies: 5
Views: 758

Teeth

If only they’d known - those poor fellows
who’ve protested when up in front of the beak,
that she appeared to be much older
than sixteen. If they knew they’d been looking
in all the wrong places, then of course,
they would never have gone there at all.
by penguin
Fri Oct 21, 2016 8:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: If You Cannot Bring Good News
Replies: 9
Views: 1180

Re: If You Cannot Bring Good News

Thanks, Grace. Very kind of you. The title is meant to be tenseless, I guess, in the nature of an adage. If you cannot bring good news, don't bring any.
by penguin
Fri Oct 21, 2016 7:34 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Summer You Left, Revision 3
Replies: 25
Views: 2816

Re: The Summer You Left

Hello Grace. I like the beginning and end. I think the 2nd stanza needs trimming a lot, it seems unnecessarily complicated. The Summer You Left, - you don't need the comma ...........................Was hot. I dressed with care. I wore a shirt and shorts and even shoes - why even shoes? Like you wou...
by penguin
Thu Oct 20, 2016 1:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: If You Cannot Bring Good News
Replies: 9
Views: 1180

Re: If You Cannot Bring Good News

New title, some alterations to the poem. I still don't like it.
by penguin
Thu Oct 20, 2016 10:15 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: If You Cannot Bring Good News
Replies: 9
Views: 1180

Re: How did it feel?

Thanks, Kris, moth and Grace.
Of a kind - means of a common type, nothing special.
The ending isn't referring to adoption, more of a passing on of a baton, or ladle, even.
But I shall try to do something about the ending, anyhow.
by penguin
Thu Oct 20, 2016 10:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Visitor
Replies: 7
Views: 1122

Re: The Visitor

I'm drawn in by your visuals, Camus. I’m trying to think what sort of animal this might be. A weasel or a fox might account for how you feel about him but I can’t figure out what makes him not waste a moment in coming. To glim, it seems—lovely word, by the way. Jackie I wondered if the subject is a...