Search found 22 matches

by Gematria
Thu Sep 30, 2010 2:10 am
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Du Fu: A Spring Scene in Wartime
Replies: 7
Views: 7509

Re: Du Fu: A Spring Scene in Wartime

Wow, that’s a lot of reading. Sounds like traces of southern dialects. In the old times, poems were chanted rather than read like what people do today. Yes, I did notice your modern Chinese reading, very close. Good. The southern dialects actually do preserve many features that Mandarin has lost, s...
by Gematria
Wed Sep 29, 2010 3:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Du Fu: A Spring Scene in Wartime
Replies: 7
Views: 7509

Re: Du Fu: A Spring Scene in Wartime

David: Point taken. And I'm sorry. Lake: Thanks. Mentioning War in the original seemed like it made sense, because I often feel the general western reader sometimes needs a bit of hand-holding when it comes to things that need not have been explicitly stated to the poet's contemporary public. As for...
by Gematria
Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:15 am
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Du Fu: A Spring Scene in Wartime
Replies: 7
Views: 7509

Du Fu: A Spring Scene in Wartime

A Spring Scene in Wartime Du Fu The state's in shards, yet hills and streams remain. Spring in the city: grass and vines on rock. Touched by the times, the flowers spread their tears. Loathing to leave, the birds bolt up in shock. The torch of war has filled three months with fire. One word from ho...
by Gematria
Sat May 29, 2010 5:38 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Last Request
Replies: 17
Views: 1015

Re: Last Request

But overall the tone is much too archaic for me. How? Other than "beheld" and "beloved", is there a single word here that is not used in contemporary English? Without wishing to sound rude, do you read much contemporary poetry? Yes. And I don't take offense at your implication, though the fact that...
by Gematria
Sat May 29, 2010 3:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Last Request
Replies: 17
Views: 1015

Last Request

NIXED
by Gematria
Tue May 18, 2010 12:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Evening
Replies: 9
Views: 733

Re: Evening

I just revised the whole thing massively
by Gematria
Mon May 17, 2010 8:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Evening
Replies: 9
Views: 733

Re: Evening

It sounds as though the trees are out of stand. I can see you know this already, as you've tried to preempt that reading with a comma, which sort of works - but not quite. Not sure why you've used "mellow" - it reads like a wilful attempt to avoid "yellow", but I think that would be fine. The last ...
by Gematria
Mon May 17, 2010 4:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Evening
Replies: 9
Views: 733

Evening

Long shadows born at noon now intersect. Long out of bloom and time, the oak trees stand. The leaves in red and yellowed shards reflect The light that smashed its mirror overland. Only a wrought bronze statue keeps its green, A green like something almost being said. It stands to reason, simple and ...
by Gematria
Mon Apr 19, 2010 5:18 am
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Baudelaire: Invitation for a Voyage
Replies: 1
Views: 1749

Baudelaire: Invitation for a Voyage

Invitation for a Voyage Charles Baudelaire My child, my sister: share My dream of going there On a soft voyage for a life anew, To love and care not why To love and live and die Together in that land that looks like you. There, soaking suns that rise Through cloud-confounded skies Will move my spiri...
by Gematria
Sun Apr 18, 2010 6:27 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I'd expected rain
Replies: 8
Views: 643

Re: I'd expected rain

This poem is rather well-excecuted but the language could use some tightening. "Scorched by the sun" is a cliché, (as is the "glistening" of the oil, to a lesser degree.) Perhaps replace it with "scratched/scourged/scorned by the sun" or some other homophone to echo the "scorched" without actually u...
by Gematria
Sun Apr 18, 2010 5:46 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Making Tea
Replies: 4
Views: 440

Re: Making Tea

My instinct is to say that you should cut out the clichés and superfluity. "Clouds drift" is a cliché, as clouds are often described as doing that. "Unending chasm" is another, for the same reason. "Heavy carcass" seems like it could do without the adjective, as could "physical objects."
by Gematria
Wed Feb 17, 2010 9:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Jozsef Attila: The Danube
Replies: 2
Views: 3364

Re: Jozsef Attila: The Danube

Here are some thoughts on just the first two stanzas. I'll comment on the rest later. In stanza 1, "on the flow" sounds forced. It doesn't add anything to the poem other than filling out the meter. I can see why you translated "fecseg" of line four as "ripples," but the original emphasizes the noise...
by Gematria
Mon Feb 15, 2010 11:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Guillaume Apollinaire: Le Pont Mirabeau
Replies: 0
Views: 1517

Guillaume Apollinaire: Le Pont Mirabeau

The Mirabeau Bridge Guillaume Apollinaire (A link to me reading the original: http://www.mypodcast.com/fsaudio/suburbanspleen_20091127_2214-546143.mp3) Below the Mirabeau bridge there flows the Seine What of our loves Must I recall how when Sorrow was over joy came back again Let night come bells t...
by Gematria
Mon Feb 08, 2010 6:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Goethe: Wanderer's Evening Song
Replies: 7
Views: 4491

Re: Goethe: Wanderer's Evening Song

How's this then:

Over every hilltop
comes repose.
From every treetop
there blows
barely a breath toward you.
Birds in the woodland cease their song.
Wait, now. Before long
You will rest, too.
by Gematria
Mon Feb 08, 2010 6:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Untitled
Replies: 18
Views: 5164

Re: Untitled

I tend to translate into English, mainly, since that is the predominant language of the Internet. I have also produced translations into French, Esperanto and Latin on occasion. And, as a matter of novelty, I've also translated a couple poems into Old English , to see if the idiom of Beowulf could s...
by Gematria
Sat Feb 06, 2010 4:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Goethe: Wanderer's Evening Song
Replies: 7
Views: 4491

Re: Goethe: Wanderer's Evening Song

Nah this is exactly the sort of commentary I'm looking for. wayfarer was introduced because I thought it worked in English. "Just wait" didn't seem to have the associative ability of "Warte nur," in part because of the English idiom "Just you wait (and I'll get you)" I tried to introduce Goethe's ve...
by Gematria
Fri Feb 05, 2010 8:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Goethe: Wanderer's Evening Song
Replies: 7
Views: 4491

Goethe: Wanderer's Evening Song

Wayfarer's Evening Song J.W. Goethe Over every hilltop: repose. Every treetop blows barely a breath to you. Birds in the woodland cease their song. Wayfarer, wait. Erelong You shall rest, too. Wandrers Nachtlied Über allen Gipfeln ist Ruh’ in allen Wipfeln spürest du kaum einen Hauch. Die Vögelein ...
by Gematria
Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Untitled
Replies: 18
Views: 5164

Re: Untitled

Thank you. And yes, all my translations are done from the original, including Classical Chinese.
by Gematria
Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Rumi: A Hundred Ways to Pray
Replies: 5
Views: 5081

Re: Rumi: A Hundred Ways to Pray

Rumi did enjoy something of a fad a few years ago in the US, aided by the disgraceful versions of Coleman Barks. Here's a literal translation, for further comparison: Today, like every day, we are wasted, wasted! Do not open the door of vexation, rather, take up the rabâb There are a hundred kinds o...
by Gematria
Wed Feb 03, 2010 11:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Rumi: A Hundred Ways to Pray
Replies: 5
Views: 5081

Rumi: A Hundred Ways to Pray

A Hundred Ways to Pray Mowlānā Jalāluddīn Rūmī Today we're wasted with the spirit. Drunk like every day. Lock up your angst and musings. There is music you must play. There are a hundred ways to make prostrations in that Mosque Where a Beloved's beauty is your Mecca. Turn and pray. امروز چو هر روز خ...
by Gematria
Wed Feb 03, 2010 10:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Untitled
Replies: 18
Views: 5164

Re: Untitled

Just a thought: I wonder if there isn't some way to further emphasize the line-to-line parallelism which is so characteristic of Classical Chinese poetry. Note how the third character of the first two lines is a verb, for example. Also, there's a pretty excellent chiasmus in the first and final line...
by Gematria
Wed Feb 03, 2010 7:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Translation
Topic: Rhyfel (War)- Hedd Wyn
Replies: 5
Views: 9286

Re: Rhyfel (War)- Hedd Wyn

Awesomeness.

"Ar drai ar orwel pell" suggests an image of sunset to me. Perhaps "Setting on a distant horizon" would communicate this semantic echo better.

Check out my translation of this poem at http://poemsintranslation.blogspot.com/ ... welsh.html