Search found 5653 matches

by ray miller
Sun Jan 13, 2019 2:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Let’s Be True To Our Selves
Replies: 14
Views: 225

Re: Let’s Be True To Our Selves

Thanks, Perry. I'm fond of near or loose rhymes like that. I thought the metre was ok apart from the Medical Records line and I'm prepared to tolerate that.
by ray miller
Sun Jan 13, 2019 2:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: First Date (second version, more rhymes)
Replies: 9
Views: 163

Re: First Date

Shame the rhyme is absent in the middle. I think you need the ending as it is, the final line saves the poem for me.
by ray miller
Sun Jan 13, 2019 2:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Inclusion
Replies: 20
Views: 376

Re: Inclusion

This poem is a tricky one for me, Ray. If I am perfectly honest, I would have preferred this to be in prose form rather than a poem - a sort of vignette or a little fable. I don't feel that the verse form used here quite fits the text, and prose would have allowed a greater degree of freedom to exp...
by ray miller
Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Resolution (was Torpor) (version 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 208

Re: Resolution (was Torpor) (version 3)

I didn't pick up the "trying for children" theme and even now it only becomes very apparent, to me, in the 2nd and 5th stanzas. I suppose the original title of Torpor didn't help. I still don't think the 3rd section connects that well to the rest. the salmon return each year for spawning, more in ex...
by ray miller
Fri Jan 11, 2019 4:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Let’s Be True To Our Selves
Replies: 14
Views: 225

Re: Let’s Be True To Our Selves

Thanks fellas. Blowed his load would qualify for rhyming points but absolutely certain to be misconstrued.
I thought I'd heard the word poke, meaning stash or cash, in this country. Funny that the online dictionaries make no mention of it.
by ray miller
Fri Jan 11, 2019 4:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Inclusion
Replies: 20
Views: 376

Re: Inclusion

Thanks, Eira. Yeah, a sense of humour helps, children with learning difficulties aren't easy. But then, they do take you places you'd never otherwise have visited.
by ray miller
Fri Jan 11, 2019 3:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Tears
Replies: 17
Views: 231

Re: Tears

I like it. I'd disagree with Tristan, I think the opening 3 lines constitute a sentence, at least the kind of sentence found in many songs and poems. I'd wish for something other than tears in line 3, you've already got tears in the title and again in line 7, even "then slowly rolls down...."
by ray miller
Fri Jan 11, 2019 3:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Groaning Stones (was 'Stones')
Replies: 25
Views: 305

Re: Stones

Didn't some French geezer write a book on this subject called Remembrance of Things Pissed?
by ray miller
Fri Jan 11, 2019 1:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Resolution (was Torpor) (version 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 208

Re: Resolution (was Torpor) (revised)

Changing a title from Torpor to Resolution is quite a shift and as Not indicated, you now seem to have neither one or the other. The last 2 stanzas seem to belong to another poem. I do like diving into peat-soft electricity, though.
by ray miller
Thu Jan 10, 2019 12:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Extra-Boot (V4)
Replies: 6
Views: 142

Re: The Extra-Boot

I enjoyed this, though I feel I might be missing some pun or joke in the title. Tee Hee that great romantic artist that I thought I was turns out - turned? not to be Wha Wha that small conceit found feet and has indeed both been and gone - sounds better without "indeed" too far! Hoo Hoo it wasn't me...
by ray miller
Thu Jan 10, 2019 11:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nutritionist
Replies: 12
Views: 177

Re: The Nutritionist

"along with every other tasty refined carbohydrate." Bit of a mouthful, yeah, reads more smoothly without "other", which isn't necessary for the sentence to make sense.

to squeeze/ from my dying skin. A suggestion, yes. It has context in its favour and is it more gross than pulling out of a brain?
by ray miller
Thu Jan 10, 2019 11:50 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Resolution (was Torpor) (version 3)
Replies: 13
Views: 208

Re: Torpor

Great opening 6 or 7 lines. I think you want cord, not chord. I find this section a bit obscure. you coax the dog to bowl, drip by meaty drip. No luck. Inertia begets itself like weeds. - there is something wrong with the dog? It’s not listlessness you sketch, bringing form to canvas each day restor...
by ray miller
Thu Jan 10, 2019 11:40 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Let’s Be True To Our Selves
Replies: 14
Views: 225

Re: Let’s Be True To Our Selves

Thanks everyone. Tristan - I had loony originally, then I think 30 years of Psychiatric Nursing had me think twice. . Would the last line work as with a hatchet and quotations ? Regards, Not. . No, I'd lose the "rhyme" of classes and hatchet. Hi Ray, for some reason the phrase 'our friends electric'...
by ray miller
Thu Jan 10, 2019 11:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Inclusion
Replies: 20
Views: 376

Re: Inclusion

Thankyou, David, Ross, James. I'm thinking about the ending and italicising the God line. I've seen the phrase Flash Fiction many times and I assumed that I knew what it meant, but I've just discovered that I didn't. I guess a lot of my stuff might be re-assigned to that shelf.
by ray miller
Wed Jan 09, 2019 11:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Let’s Be True To Our Selves
Replies: 14
Views: 225

Let’s Be True To Our Selves

Your best friend joined the Moonies for just about a year. My best friend became a lunatic and made it his career. Your friend buys expensive stuff she doesn’t really need. My friend’s drunk and sleeping rough and blows his poke on weed. Your friend’s embroiled in Exports and is plastered to her pho...
by ray miller
Wed Jan 09, 2019 9:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nutritionist
Replies: 12
Views: 177

Re: The Nutritionist

Flows better without "other" in line 2, I think. Who knew that hamburger was a murderer in disguise? Or that diet soda keeps me fat? Probably everyone is aware of the first fact, the second one less so. I assumed the first question was tongue-in-cheek, but the next one had me doubting. Nice ending, ...
by ray miller
Sun Jan 06, 2019 4:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: 22/11/63
Replies: 15
Views: 333

Re: 22/11/63

I think we had Coronation Street on. I like the last verse very much, I don't think the rhymes in the first verse work well enough. Also the day Aldous Huxley died.
by ray miller
Sun Jan 06, 2019 4:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Schizophrenia
Replies: 9
Views: 171

Re: Schizophrenia

Enjoyed this. I wonder if the title isn't too directive, telling us what to look for. Willows bend, with weight of stressful times, - "stressful times" is rather bland near the stonewalled garden flanked with light. Their voice; the wind, - I'd have thought a comma rather than semicolon whispers joy...
by ray miller
Sun Jan 06, 2019 3:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Inclusion
Replies: 20
Views: 376

Re: Inclusion

Thankyou very much, Tamara, JJ. I think it does lurch into sentimentality, myself, but I'm glad you found something entertaining and interesting in there.
by ray miller
Sun Jan 06, 2019 3:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hiding in the Hems (V7-ish)
Replies: 5
Views: 167

Re: Hiding in the Hems (revision) [formerly Steal the Fur etc]

The opening line reminded me of a tumble-drier and the rest is kind of fast and spinny too. Hiding in the Hems a garment is a multitude of spins the breath entwined and counted out and round and in - I wondered if you meant breadth. I'm not sure what breath applies to. the armoured joyful heft of pe...
by ray miller
Fri Jan 04, 2019 6:25 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Inclusion
Replies: 20
Views: 376

Re: Inclusion

Jules, I wasn't being arsey or over-sensitive. I think your original comment is probably better than the poem itself.
by ray miller
Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: December Daffodils!
Replies: 8
Views: 191

Re: December Daffodils!

I think if you finished at "prematurely dead" I'd know exactly where we're at and good point well made etc.
As it is, the votive wreaths and rain-bled messages cast some uncertainty. Or maybe I'm just being dim.
by ray miller
Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Inclusion
Replies: 20
Views: 376

Re: Inclusion

Thanks fellas. More story than poem and I don't think I can change that much. Maybe when I'm in a more destructive frame of mind. NQS - I like the Mohammed stanza least, that would definitely be the first to go. I don't mind scene-sttin, but maybe it goes on too long. Yes, I've messd the ending up, ...
by ray miller
Wed Jan 02, 2019 3:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Night Shift.
Replies: 7
Views: 158

Re: Night Shift.

Enjoyed. I've a feeling I'm not familiar with the kind of turnstile you're describing as I can't quite get my head around that opening image. I think line 4 is lovely, in contrast to the next one which spells things out rather too much. I'd scrub line 5. A fly contemplates upon the thermal paper rol...
by ray miller
Wed Jan 02, 2019 3:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Folk Tale (+ loose translation)
Replies: 14
Views: 317

Re: Folk Tale

Trial shart. Drop lang . Me love dat. I got to the end, despite the length.Enjoyed the patois, though it's probably something better heard than read. Difficult to maintain consistency of expression, perhaps. Care, for instance, seems to be both kay and caya, and there were other phrases that didn't...